Colors
by bisexualdolphin
Summary: Tumblr prompt based on the song 'Colors' by Halsey. (If you haven't heard it, you should definitely check it out because it is amazing.) TW: Suicide Attempt


_Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so_

 _You said your mother only smiled on her TV show_

 _You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope_

 _I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old_

I remember when we were younger, about sixteen, we used to sit on the edge of a cliff. Immediately under us was a huge body of water, the waterfall seamlessly flowing into it. You used to jokingly tell me you were going to jump off one day and I couldn't do anything to stop you. We used to talk all the time up there. And sometimes not talk. Just sit there to escape from the world for a moment. It was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday when I found you sitting there by yourself.

"Beca." I uttered quietly. "Beca, everyone is looking for you." You chuckled softly. It terrified me.

"They don't fucking care, Chloe." You growled. "It's all fake. Life is just a game and they're just going through the motions. Nobody fucking cares." You turned around and looked at me with tears streaming down your face. "You know I don't think I've seen my mother smile for four years. Ever since my dad died its like her face is just blank. All the time. She only smiles on Monday night when her show is on. But not when I got straight-A's in ninth grade, or when I won the science fair in tenth." You were sobbing now. No turning back. "I don't think I've ever heard brother tell me that he loves me." You were choking back tears.

"Becs, he loves you. Of course he does. Even though he doesn't say it often enough or even at all. He does Beca. Please believe me." Chloe pleaded. Beca smiled sadly.

"The thing is, it doesn't even matter." You said turning your back away leaning toward the waterfall. One more inch and you would have plummeted. I remember feeling so helpless, like anything and everything I could do would just make it worse. Then you got up, shaking, and held your hand out for me.

"Come on, Chloe. I have somewhere I want to show you."

So I took your hand and let you lead me. Because I wanted to be part of your world. You took me your dealer and made me feel free. Made me feel open. Made me feel incredible. And when we were done, I didn't know if it was over too soon or if it had lasted too long. Maybe both. Probably both.

 _You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_

 _And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink_

Friday night. That was our night. We would do everything and nothing. We would get too high and too drunk and regret it all in the morning but never stopped. It felt too good in the moment. I think we both knew there was no way this story could end happily. But I kept hope that one day, it might. You went further than I did. It was never enough for you. Ripped all over but still so amazing. The best parts for me were when you would tell me things about yourself. Things that nobody else knew. It made me feel special, that you would open up to me about emotions and things too raw for anyone else. I shouldn't have felt that way though… All I knew for sure was that you were a fucking masterpiece and nobody could have made me feel more than what you made me feel.

 _Everything is blue_

 _Everything was blue_

 _Her pills, her hands, her jeans_

 _And now I'm covered in the colors_

 _Pulled apart at the seams_

 _And it's blue_

The water beneath the cliff was so blue. Just like you. When we sat on the edge of that cliff every Saturday morning, coming down from our high, the water would glisten below us and you would tell me that it reminded you of my eyes. I never told you how much I loved hearing that. But I think you knew.

The little blue pills you took transported you to another world, I think. I don't know. You never offered any to me. I think you were scared of ruining me. You didn't realize you already had.

Whenever I see a pair of blue jeans I can't help but think of you. Every Friday you would wear blue jeans. Different pairs of course, but every Friday, without fail, you were wearing them. Did you do that on purpose?

I remember how blue and lifeless your hands were when they found you half dead in your room. I remember the screams and the pain everyone was in. Nobody asked you if you were okay. I don't think I stopped crying for two weeks. I remember my mother screaming for me to 'get it together.' She kept saying you were only just a friend. But I knew you were more. Even if neither of us ever admitted it. You changed me. I can't pinpoint exactly when I realized it but it happened. But I can't bring myself to miss the 'old' me. Because that 'me' never would have met you.

 _You were a vision in the morning when the lights came through_

 _I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you_

I still remember those weeks after your attempt. We didn't talk about it much, mostly because you never brought it up. But when we did, it just became more clear to me how special you really were. We hung out more. Got high more. I remember the night you came over at nearly midnight with track marks on your arms and tear stains on your face. I didn't question it. You climbed into my bed and pulled me close, whispering soft 'I love you's' into my ear until we fell asleep. The moments you held me close in your arms was the first time I really understood what they meant by 'religious experience.'

I still remember waking up in your arms. I remember the puffs of breath on my neck. The baby hairs surrounding your face. You were such an amazing vision and I think I could have looked at you forever without getting bored. When you finally woke up, you mumbled out an apology before I could say anything. It was probably better that way. Maybe.

 _You were red and you liked me 'cause I was blue_

 _You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky_

 _And you decided purple just wasn't for you_

It was a Friday afternoon. I came up to you, asking where we were going that night.

"Yeah about that. Sorry, Chloe. Something came up."

Bullshit. But of course, I didn't say that. I just nodded slowly trying to understand what you meant and walked away with my head down.

"Wait! Chlo." You ran up to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what you said next. "You're too good to be part of my miserable world." I still get shivers when I think about those words. Because why the fuck would you bring me into your world if you're just going to throw me out again.

But I kept my mouth shut. It wasn't and never will be my decision to make.


End file.
